Shima's Blog

It was all going well at first. I was working, coming in to work as usual and chatting away with colleagues. A few months later life started to kick in financially. I knew I have to do something.. I started out a small business in Seri Kembangan, selling jeruk. Of course, small business forked out small income. Long story short, I began doing marketing for health products. It turns out to be an easy business; trading among my family members. It was fun and I was proud to have helped so many people. I gained good income and I even felt important again. So I thought, I'll help MORE people. Yeah, that's it! It began in August 2012 when I opened up to a few friends at work. Little did I know they have a certain way of looking at people 'selling' things. Whispers grew intense and soon enough people were talking behind my back. Words spread through around the office until my superior was informed of it. And then hell started. She (my superior) started shouting across the corridor saying "everyone, there's no need for you to sell stuff around in the office, unless you're poor enough to do that".. I heard some giggle afterwards. When I go about the office, trying to ask something of work, some of them would "whoah! you're not selling stuff to me are you?".. I swallowed the insult so hard i almost shouted "no, it's about work". However, it was not all bad as rumours that had spread around brought new customers from other department asking me if I have what they're looking for. They are still my regular customers, and I couldn't thank them enough for their moral support. All in all, my superior still bullies me to the point of messing up my office, convincing people to avoid me and stuff like that. Honestly it still hurts, and I'm still affected by her and the people in this department. I still go about my life, working, meeting customers and making deliveries. But when I'm at work. I'm dead emotionally.. I'd think about good friends whom I've shared a laugh with and things that we would talk about rather than gossiping and scrutinizing people. To all of my friends (you know who you are), I miss you guys. You were the best that ever happened in my life and wish you all happiness. As for me, I'll try to survive this, I think...

Last week, on 27th of April, I received the call that I've been waiting for. Encik Rahman from JPA called to inform me that I've been offered for the position of Pegawai Tadbir Diplomatik (M41). I couldn't breathe. After he confirmed the date of when I should lapor diri and ended the conversation, I sat there in the kitchen, still couldn't believe my ears. A week later, the letter came. More good news! I've also been offered jawatan tetap instead of the usual contract PTD. It was awesome. All my hard work had paid off. Out of all the jobs I've been in, this is the longest job application ever. 2 years it took. My closest friends would know what I've been trodding through for this job.

It's the new year and I need a change.

No, it's not a new year's resolution, coz i know I'll procrastinate or cheat my way out of it.

Here goes...

1) I want to hit the gym AGAIN. It’s been months since I’ve seen the inside of the gym. Getting sick, family crisis, overtime at work and school papers that needed to get finished all kept me from exercising.
Now, the question is: how do I start again?

Note to self -- I will commit myself for the whole month

Starting February, I will make a commitment to go every day (even just for 20 minutes) for one month. This will solidify the exercise habit. By making a commitment I'll take pressure off myself in the first weeks back of deciding whether to go.

2) I want to buy all the NECESSARY stuff that I have been holding back for months.

Note to self -- buy that Olympus Camera battery and that straight-cut jeans. I needed new tudung and brooches and some nice blouse oh yeah, a nice sling bag that i've been eyeing for so long..haha.. haih shopping spree la pulak.. budget, budget..

3) Jumping onto the next stepping stone. Honestly, even though it's early to make such decision, my instinct says that this is what I must do. So, I'll make an effort to find a way. Hopefully, in the mid of this year, I can make that leap.

Note to self -- Learn how to be happy with what you have while you pursue all that you want.


4) Finance boost and management. This is a long-term plan and it's a hard one too. I have heavier responsibility and it's so easy to fall off track.

Note to self -- Money isn't everything--but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.”

I realized that the circumstances wouldn’t change until I did.

And by entertaining this toxic emotion was getting me nowhere but deeper in my hole of self pity.

Last night was when jealousy and I parted ways, leading me to some very powerful realizations:

Realization #1: Being anything less than happy for others was blocking my own chance at success and happiness.

Frowning on another person’s good fortune doesn’t feel good; therefore, it can’t be creating good things. Feeling excited for someone feels good; therefore, it can help create more good things, for me and for them.

Realization #2: Seeing the positive experiences other people were having opened me up to the possibilities.

There is always enough to go around if I believe it is so. I simply have to claim it.

Realization #3: Everything is temporary, and the tables are constantly turning.

Circumstances are constantly changing, so to spend a great deal of time and energy fretting over them or wishing for something different is, frankly, a waste.

Realization #4: Appreciating “what is” makes what “could be” even sweeter.

Maybe I don’t have the career success or relationship satisfaction of those around me, but by working through anything that is less than ideal, I'm achieving something great: growth. And growth will make room for the changes I’ve been waiting for.

If there's one thing I can't let go, it's jealousy.

This heart-wrenching feeling is something that I'm afraid to admit. Something that I'm ashamed of exposing.

So now, I'll just be the childish me, mulling over all the ridiculous things that allowed me to drown in jealousy.

*cracks knuckles* Let's start:

I'm jealous to those who knows that they're right on track, who's succesful and happy.
I'm jealous of pretty girls, with symmetrical faces, fair skin, perfect body who poses perfectly in front of the camera no matter which way they turn
I'm jealous of the outspoken lady who is not afraid to be loud and high-pitched without even bothered whether anyone is annoyed with them.
I'm jealous of some people who can just shoot out anything that they wanna say.
I'm jealous of petite girls, who can wear whatever they want, look as young forever and people seem to adore them coz of their cuteness.
I'm jealous of people who doesn't care about common sense, or whether they are shallow about an issue - the kind that always say "ye ke? apa-apa je la eh?"
I'm jealous of couples who are not 'malu' to make a statement that they're a couple.
I'm jealous of girls who camwhore sexily (I do, seriously :P)
I'm jealous of people who smiles and laughs openly
I'm jealous of people with perfect family
I'm jealous of people who gets everything without even trying.

There! I think that sums it up.. Immature, I know =.=

But jealousy is a sneaky thing. It'll cripple my self-esteem, make me drown in my overwhelming grief -- a pot-stirrer who pokes at my ego reminding me of the things that I don't have, the experiences that I don't have, the life that I wished I'd had.. well basically everything that makes me feel 'less than'.

I'll spent most of my time wallowing in comparisons, staring longingly at pictures of beautiful people, watching most girls spending their parent's money or PTPTN money on the things they like, clothes or a vacation, and picturing myself in the beautiful homes that others had the ability to purchase.

Jealousy keeps me rooted firmly to a place -- a place of thoughts filled with 'if only'.

Career path? A stepping stone actually, I don't plan to settle down to this editorial job.

Still, I'm counting on the PTD position. I went to the 3rd and final assesment in June, the interview. It was a 3 hours wait to be interviewed and 40 minutes of interviewing session. Haha, good that I'm working for tv news to keep myself updated. Result will be out this month, 18 July.

I'm now an editor for RTM English TV news for TV2. The job is fine, good pay, not much office politics going around, spacious office and good bunch of friends.

It's driving from Serendah that tires me. A 1 hour 30 minutes drive. Fffuuu.. I'm living in my aunt's house, spacious, atas bukit, nice view, but too far..

Frequently asked question: Y didn't u sewa somewhere in KL? I'll just toss them a smile and said I owe my aunt for her hospitality, didn't want to be rude by moving out so fast.

Truth is, I'm hoping for the PTD result to come out. Don't wanna migrate here and there so much. If I get the PTD job, I'll find a permanent place. If i dun get it, I'll find a house to rent, nearer to RTM.

My aunt and uncle, they are like my parents here. Even my grandma is here to visit me. Mama pulak is always visiting on weekends. And Anas took care of me in KL, hantar bekal la, sending me home if i finish work late at night.

The new job is kinda tiring. I have two shifts and sometimes I'll be working 7 days straight, with one day leave and then 7 days straight again [like today].

I feel like a jerk sometimes. For almost two months I've only seen Kung, Darren and Vinu. I didn't meet Nat, my other UTAR friends, Izaty, and my friends from school. All I care about was my shifts and my job.. I just don't have the time.. I'm sorry...

I have plans and dreams.. And everyday I wished that what I'm chasing after will benefit me, not pushing the ones I love away from me. I've already lose some of them.. But so far so good.. Chaiyokk for me!

Nervousness is suffocating me these past few weeks. Two weeks ago I told my boss that I'm leaving the job for RTM. He fully supported me but he still expressed his sadness each and every day. His daily routine phrase will start of like "when you're not here" "when you're gone" "I'm going out to wallow in ice-cream and fries, be back soon".

Major nervousness! The PTD result is supposed to be out this week. I checked for my result day and night like a mad oerson but it's not out yet. Urgh, the uncertainty is killing me.

I'm nervous about moving too.. I have become too attached with my house in Malacca that the thought of putting one item into one box will result in me looking spaciously outside, not wanting to do anything.

I'm nervous about my new job. Keep telling myself that it's for the better; that I get to meet my friends and hang out with my cousins in KL. Better career opportunity, bla bla bla.. But there's a difference between being optimistic and being in denial ya know.. Honestly, I don't know what's the difference.. haha

Nervous about a my special plan that's suppose to be held next year... Nervous, nervous, nervous!

Anyway, just to prevent myself from 'losing it', might as well remind myself about me. Took a quiz and here's my result:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.