Shima's Blog

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.”

I realized that the circumstances wouldn’t change until I did.

And by entertaining this toxic emotion was getting me nowhere but deeper in my hole of self pity.

Last night was when jealousy and I parted ways, leading me to some very powerful realizations:

Realization #1: Being anything less than happy for others was blocking my own chance at success and happiness.

Frowning on another person’s good fortune doesn’t feel good; therefore, it can’t be creating good things. Feeling excited for someone feels good; therefore, it can help create more good things, for me and for them.

Realization #2: Seeing the positive experiences other people were having opened me up to the possibilities.

There is always enough to go around if I believe it is so. I simply have to claim it.

Realization #3: Everything is temporary, and the tables are constantly turning.

Circumstances are constantly changing, so to spend a great deal of time and energy fretting over them or wishing for something different is, frankly, a waste.

Realization #4: Appreciating “what is” makes what “could be” even sweeter.

Maybe I don’t have the career success or relationship satisfaction of those around me, but by working through anything that is less than ideal, I'm achieving something great: growth. And growth will make room for the changes I’ve been waiting for.

If there's one thing I can't let go, it's jealousy.

This heart-wrenching feeling is something that I'm afraid to admit. Something that I'm ashamed of exposing.

So now, I'll just be the childish me, mulling over all the ridiculous things that allowed me to drown in jealousy.

*cracks knuckles* Let's start:

I'm jealous to those who knows that they're right on track, who's succesful and happy.
I'm jealous of pretty girls, with symmetrical faces, fair skin, perfect body who poses perfectly in front of the camera no matter which way they turn
I'm jealous of the outspoken lady who is not afraid to be loud and high-pitched without even bothered whether anyone is annoyed with them.
I'm jealous of some people who can just shoot out anything that they wanna say.
I'm jealous of petite girls, who can wear whatever they want, look as young forever and people seem to adore them coz of their cuteness.
I'm jealous of people who doesn't care about common sense, or whether they are shallow about an issue - the kind that always say "ye ke? apa-apa je la eh?"
I'm jealous of couples who are not 'malu' to make a statement that they're a couple.
I'm jealous of girls who camwhore sexily (I do, seriously :P)
I'm jealous of people who smiles and laughs openly
I'm jealous of people with perfect family
I'm jealous of people who gets everything without even trying.

There! I think that sums it up.. Immature, I know =.=

But jealousy is a sneaky thing. It'll cripple my self-esteem, make me drown in my overwhelming grief -- a pot-stirrer who pokes at my ego reminding me of the things that I don't have, the experiences that I don't have, the life that I wished I'd had.. well basically everything that makes me feel 'less than'.

I'll spent most of my time wallowing in comparisons, staring longingly at pictures of beautiful people, watching most girls spending their parent's money or PTPTN money on the things they like, clothes or a vacation, and picturing myself in the beautiful homes that others had the ability to purchase.

Jealousy keeps me rooted firmly to a place -- a place of thoughts filled with 'if only'.

Career path? A stepping stone actually, I don't plan to settle down to this editorial job.

Still, I'm counting on the PTD position. I went to the 3rd and final assesment in June, the interview. It was a 3 hours wait to be interviewed and 40 minutes of interviewing session. Haha, good that I'm working for tv news to keep myself updated. Result will be out this month, 18 July.

I'm now an editor for RTM English TV news for TV2. The job is fine, good pay, not much office politics going around, spacious office and good bunch of friends.

It's driving from Serendah that tires me. A 1 hour 30 minutes drive. Fffuuu.. I'm living in my aunt's house, spacious, atas bukit, nice view, but too far..

Frequently asked question: Y didn't u sewa somewhere in KL? I'll just toss them a smile and said I owe my aunt for her hospitality, didn't want to be rude by moving out so fast.

Truth is, I'm hoping for the PTD result to come out. Don't wanna migrate here and there so much. If I get the PTD job, I'll find a permanent place. If i dun get it, I'll find a house to rent, nearer to RTM.

My aunt and uncle, they are like my parents here. Even my grandma is here to visit me. Mama pulak is always visiting on weekends. And Anas took care of me in KL, hantar bekal la, sending me home if i finish work late at night.

The new job is kinda tiring. I have two shifts and sometimes I'll be working 7 days straight, with one day leave and then 7 days straight again [like today].

I feel like a jerk sometimes. For almost two months I've only seen Kung, Darren and Vinu. I didn't meet Nat, my other UTAR friends, Izaty, and my friends from school. All I care about was my shifts and my job.. I just don't have the time.. I'm sorry...

I have plans and dreams.. And everyday I wished that what I'm chasing after will benefit me, not pushing the ones I love away from me. I've already lose some of them.. But so far so good.. Chaiyokk for me!