Shima's Blog

In reply to my last post, the PTD exam result is out, and I passed. Yippee!! What a relief! Okay, the next in my waiting list is a letter that will tell me when and where I'll have my training for the PTD position. Oooh, this is sooo exciting.

Yeah, finally something for me. I'll do the best I can in life. I experienced my ups and downs and I get jealous of people alot. I always felt that I'm just not enough. This time, it's my turn. I hope that any step I take would be able to turn my life around into something better. I don't wanna be rich or be the boss of everybody.. No, it's not that..

When my life and financial status has stabilised, I want Mama to live her life. She's been living her life all for me.. Now it's my turn to give her what was supposed to be hers a long time ago. I want to 'berbakti' to Papa.. I want to provide for Uncle.. I want to take care of Mek, Tok Ma and my Mak angkat.. Let's see how my life takes it's course.

Semoga Allah sentiasa memberkati diriku, memperluaskan rezekiku, memelihara imanku dan menjaga orang-orang yang aku sayangi. Amin... Sesungguhnya Allah penentu segalanya..

I passed my driving test, with just one try! I'm soo good (bleach). Well, let's hope I can get a better job soon so that I can own a car of my own.

Got a call today from Otomotif College. Offered me a PA to CEO position. *Gulp* sounds tough. And I couldn't remember when I applied for this position. Maybe I did it when I was so desperate in finding a job, haha. Gotta google my job application again.

Well, the interview will be next week. Don't know if I could get it. The position sounded convincing enough for me to start a career. The PTD result will be out in 2 days. Hope I get it that one too. But if I got it, kesian Mama kena duduk rumah sorang2. Any choice I have to make would involve me living in KL. Agaknya rezeki kat KL kot. But I wanna support her. I wanna do all the things in the world for her. I wanna make Mama proud.

Ok, we'll see how everything turns out.

Today, I'm having a serious mood swing. Felt really sad today. Felt gloomy. Felt that I have nothing better to do. Feels like everything looks and feels so wrong.

I've developed a new hobby. Claying. It's great. It releases my stress, initiate creativity. Honestly, I didn't know I have it in me. All this is impossible without the support of Mama and Anas. These are the most important people in my life.

But today, I don't feel like claying. I wanted to create more cute figures, figurines, paper holder and stuff but I just don't feel like it. Instead, I felt like crying.. I think I miss my friends...

Recently, I feel so alone. While peeking into my friends' blog and facebook, suddenly I remember that back then, only they can make me feel so alive. I miss them so much.. I couldn't stop thinking about them.. each and every minute, they're always on my mind.

My friends: Sue Peng, Fiona and Sydney. They're so precious to me.. yet, I've lost them.. just like that. And it's all my fault.. There's nothing I could do to get them back.

Somehow, I know them by heart. What each of their interests are, how they would laugh at a joke, and what ticks them off. They're beautiful people. My life was so colourful when they're around.

During the third year, a lot of bad things happen to me that I couldn't handle. I had a lot of problems, I became out of control and I hurt them accidentally. I tried to apologize, but the only thing I did was make it worse. They were hurt and angry so they hurled comments on their blog and Facebook which only crushed my insides while they grew darker. It was all my fault...

The third year... Oh, how I wish I could repaint it. At that time, I had to move, the place where I stayed sucked so much until I hated going back right after class. My housemates are even worse with their attitude problem. Financial and health weren't on my side. Socially, I had no friends, I had only my besties back then but after the fight, I just feel like I don't deserve anyone. So I punished myself, walking alone everyday with repressed feeling.

Now, I still pray for the best things in life to come their way. I just hope that wherever they are, they're smiling and that no one could hurt them..the way I did.

The character reminds me of me. Well, Forrest has a way of understanding things based on what his mama tells him, ''My mama always tells me life was like a box of chocolates; you'll never know what you'll get''.

Somehow momentarily, I'm him, trying to find myself that is right now, embroiled in situations I couldn't comprehend. It's been a month since I've quit my job. It's not the quitting that pulls me down, it's the part that I'm jobless for a month that agitates me. Oh, I've tried.. Apart from them telling me I'm overqualified or that I'm to serve under a contract-based job (again), I've got nothing more to invest myself into.

No worries, I'm not all that miserable *shucks*. Within a month, I'm quite surprised at how busy I was. Well, I've finally learned how to drive, getting my license soon (tee hee hee). Managed to balik kampung and wandered off in KL afterwards since I've no job to attend to. I sat for an exam for a PTD position (Pegawai Tadbir Diplomatik), which was not easy but I got through it. I hope it turns out well, because I'm really counting on it. I'm trying to manage the house and my garden. I did some online business selling clothes and I get to spend time with my loved ones.

Recently, I joined this Electric Therapy that my mum has been nagging for me to go for weeks. She's always bragging about how it works for her and that the facilitator is super funny and that the service is free, just need to go for 1/2 hour a day. So I went. It was urmm.. okay, I guess (having myself shocked for how many volts of electric). But I have to admit, I'm quite amazed. Some of the uncles & aunties that used to move around in wheelchairs due to stroke, are now walking slowly after 2 months or so going for therapy. Well, I'm going because it's free, so why not, right?

In short, I'm having mixed emotions. I'm not used to not working and do whatever I wanna do. Maybe I should let loose and see how things work out for me. As Forrest used to say, ''Stupid is as stupid does, ma'am''.