Shima's Blog

Today, I'm having a serious mood swing. Felt really sad today. Felt gloomy. Felt that I have nothing better to do. Feels like everything looks and feels so wrong.

I've developed a new hobby. Claying. It's great. It releases my stress, initiate creativity. Honestly, I didn't know I have it in me. All this is impossible without the support of Mama and Anas. These are the most important people in my life.

But today, I don't feel like claying. I wanted to create more cute figures, figurines, paper holder and stuff but I just don't feel like it. Instead, I felt like crying.. I think I miss my friends...

Recently, I feel so alone. While peeking into my friends' blog and facebook, suddenly I remember that back then, only they can make me feel so alive. I miss them so much.. I couldn't stop thinking about them.. each and every minute, they're always on my mind.

My friends: Sue Peng, Fiona and Sydney. They're so precious to me.. yet, I've lost them.. just like that. And it's all my fault.. There's nothing I could do to get them back.

Somehow, I know them by heart. What each of their interests are, how they would laugh at a joke, and what ticks them off. They're beautiful people. My life was so colourful when they're around.

During the third year, a lot of bad things happen to me that I couldn't handle. I had a lot of problems, I became out of control and I hurt them accidentally. I tried to apologize, but the only thing I did was make it worse. They were hurt and angry so they hurled comments on their blog and Facebook which only crushed my insides while they grew darker. It was all my fault...

The third year... Oh, how I wish I could repaint it. At that time, I had to move, the place where I stayed sucked so much until I hated going back right after class. My housemates are even worse with their attitude problem. Financial and health weren't on my side. Socially, I had no friends, I had only my besties back then but after the fight, I just feel like I don't deserve anyone. So I punished myself, walking alone everyday with repressed feeling.

Now, I still pray for the best things in life to come their way. I just hope that wherever they are, they're smiling and that no one could hurt them..the way I did.