Shima's Blog

It's the new year and I need a change.

No, it's not a new year's resolution, coz i know I'll procrastinate or cheat my way out of it.

Here goes...

1) I want to hit the gym AGAIN. It’s been months since I’ve seen the inside of the gym. Getting sick, family crisis, overtime at work and school papers that needed to get finished all kept me from exercising.
Now, the question is: how do I start again?

Note to self -- I will commit myself for the whole month

Starting February, I will make a commitment to go every day (even just for 20 minutes) for one month. This will solidify the exercise habit. By making a commitment I'll take pressure off myself in the first weeks back of deciding whether to go.

2) I want to buy all the NECESSARY stuff that I have been holding back for months.

Note to self -- buy that Olympus Camera battery and that straight-cut jeans. I needed new tudung and brooches and some nice blouse oh yeah, a nice sling bag that i've been eyeing for so long..haha.. haih shopping spree la pulak.. budget, budget..

3) Jumping onto the next stepping stone. Honestly, even though it's early to make such decision, my instinct says that this is what I must do. So, I'll make an effort to find a way. Hopefully, in the mid of this year, I can make that leap.

Note to self -- Learn how to be happy with what you have while you pursue all that you want.


4) Finance boost and management. This is a long-term plan and it's a hard one too. I have heavier responsibility and it's so easy to fall off track.

Note to self -- Money isn't everything--but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.

“Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.”

I realized that the circumstances wouldn’t change until I did.

And by entertaining this toxic emotion was getting me nowhere but deeper in my hole of self pity.

Last night was when jealousy and I parted ways, leading me to some very powerful realizations:

Realization #1: Being anything less than happy for others was blocking my own chance at success and happiness.

Frowning on another person’s good fortune doesn’t feel good; therefore, it can’t be creating good things. Feeling excited for someone feels good; therefore, it can help create more good things, for me and for them.

Realization #2: Seeing the positive experiences other people were having opened me up to the possibilities.

There is always enough to go around if I believe it is so. I simply have to claim it.

Realization #3: Everything is temporary, and the tables are constantly turning.

Circumstances are constantly changing, so to spend a great deal of time and energy fretting over them or wishing for something different is, frankly, a waste.

Realization #4: Appreciating “what is” makes what “could be” even sweeter.

Maybe I don’t have the career success or relationship satisfaction of those around me, but by working through anything that is less than ideal, I'm achieving something great: growth. And growth will make room for the changes I’ve been waiting for.

If there's one thing I can't let go, it's jealousy.

This heart-wrenching feeling is something that I'm afraid to admit. Something that I'm ashamed of exposing.

So now, I'll just be the childish me, mulling over all the ridiculous things that allowed me to drown in jealousy.

*cracks knuckles* Let's start:

I'm jealous to those who knows that they're right on track, who's succesful and happy.
I'm jealous of pretty girls, with symmetrical faces, fair skin, perfect body who poses perfectly in front of the camera no matter which way they turn
I'm jealous of the outspoken lady who is not afraid to be loud and high-pitched without even bothered whether anyone is annoyed with them.
I'm jealous of some people who can just shoot out anything that they wanna say.
I'm jealous of petite girls, who can wear whatever they want, look as young forever and people seem to adore them coz of their cuteness.
I'm jealous of people who doesn't care about common sense, or whether they are shallow about an issue - the kind that always say "ye ke? apa-apa je la eh?"
I'm jealous of couples who are not 'malu' to make a statement that they're a couple.
I'm jealous of girls who camwhore sexily (I do, seriously :P)
I'm jealous of people who smiles and laughs openly
I'm jealous of people with perfect family
I'm jealous of people who gets everything without even trying.

There! I think that sums it up.. Immature, I know =.=

But jealousy is a sneaky thing. It'll cripple my self-esteem, make me drown in my overwhelming grief -- a pot-stirrer who pokes at my ego reminding me of the things that I don't have, the experiences that I don't have, the life that I wished I'd had.. well basically everything that makes me feel 'less than'.

I'll spent most of my time wallowing in comparisons, staring longingly at pictures of beautiful people, watching most girls spending their parent's money or PTPTN money on the things they like, clothes or a vacation, and picturing myself in the beautiful homes that others had the ability to purchase.

Jealousy keeps me rooted firmly to a place -- a place of thoughts filled with 'if only'.

Career path? A stepping stone actually, I don't plan to settle down to this editorial job.

Still, I'm counting on the PTD position. I went to the 3rd and final assesment in June, the interview. It was a 3 hours wait to be interviewed and 40 minutes of interviewing session. Haha, good that I'm working for tv news to keep myself updated. Result will be out this month, 18 July.

I'm now an editor for RTM English TV news for TV2. The job is fine, good pay, not much office politics going around, spacious office and good bunch of friends.

It's driving from Serendah that tires me. A 1 hour 30 minutes drive. Fffuuu.. I'm living in my aunt's house, spacious, atas bukit, nice view, but too far..

Frequently asked question: Y didn't u sewa somewhere in KL? I'll just toss them a smile and said I owe my aunt for her hospitality, didn't want to be rude by moving out so fast.

Truth is, I'm hoping for the PTD result to come out. Don't wanna migrate here and there so much. If I get the PTD job, I'll find a permanent place. If i dun get it, I'll find a house to rent, nearer to RTM.

My aunt and uncle, they are like my parents here. Even my grandma is here to visit me. Mama pulak is always visiting on weekends. And Anas took care of me in KL, hantar bekal la, sending me home if i finish work late at night.

The new job is kinda tiring. I have two shifts and sometimes I'll be working 7 days straight, with one day leave and then 7 days straight again [like today].

I feel like a jerk sometimes. For almost two months I've only seen Kung, Darren and Vinu. I didn't meet Nat, my other UTAR friends, Izaty, and my friends from school. All I care about was my shifts and my job.. I just don't have the time.. I'm sorry...

I have plans and dreams.. And everyday I wished that what I'm chasing after will benefit me, not pushing the ones I love away from me. I've already lose some of them.. But so far so good.. Chaiyokk for me!

Nervousness is suffocating me these past few weeks. Two weeks ago I told my boss that I'm leaving the job for RTM. He fully supported me but he still expressed his sadness each and every day. His daily routine phrase will start of like "when you're not here" "when you're gone" "I'm going out to wallow in ice-cream and fries, be back soon".

Major nervousness! The PTD result is supposed to be out this week. I checked for my result day and night like a mad oerson but it's not out yet. Urgh, the uncertainty is killing me.

I'm nervous about moving too.. I have become too attached with my house in Malacca that the thought of putting one item into one box will result in me looking spaciously outside, not wanting to do anything.

I'm nervous about my new job. Keep telling myself that it's for the better; that I get to meet my friends and hang out with my cousins in KL. Better career opportunity, bla bla bla.. But there's a difference between being optimistic and being in denial ya know.. Honestly, I don't know what's the difference.. haha

Nervous about a my special plan that's suppose to be held next year... Nervous, nervous, nervous!

Anyway, just to prevent myself from 'losing it', might as well remind myself about me. Took a quiz and here's my result:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Jangan bersedih.. tapi redhalah.. these are the words of advice people keep telling me today.. I am redha.. but it will take me some time to process that information

This Morning

This morning my mum called telling me my grandmother (paternal side) passed away. I couldn't believe my ears. It was just last week we went back to Kelantan to see her. She was bedridden due to minor stroke, she looked so small and petite.. I couldn't stand to look at her that way..

She was asleep when I came.. but when I got nearer she woke up, quickly reaching her other hand to me, calling my name.. well she tried too.. she couldn't speak properly after the stroke. Her eyes full of tears, miming to me "you came to see me Ima? I missed you..." I understood and nodded. She slowly pulled my hand near her cheek and cried.. The she said "Tok ma dah tak lama, Tok Ma minta maaf"... I told her that I am her granddaughter, no need to apologize for anything, "you'll be fine Tok Ma, don't talk nonsense".. I gave her some water and massaged her feet.. "You just need to move bit by bit and you'll be fine".. She looked at me and my mom without saying anything.. trying to smile..

We visited her for two days (Sat & Sun) and we had to leave Kelantan before Monday starts. She didn't want us to go, afraid that she'll never see us again.. My mum assured her that she'll be fine and that we'll hire someone who can help take care and massage her. She signalled me for a hug and I hugged her. I told her not to worry Papa will visit her again next Saturday. She said that I'm the only granddaughter that she has.. "I know Tok Ma, I love you too.."

No more tomorrow

That was a week before... today she's not here anymore.. I just can't grasp that.. I keep thinking what went wrong? She was fine, the stroke didn't look as serious... I feel so useless that I can't do much for her..

Redha

The only thing I can do is sedekah the verses of the Qur'an for her. May Allah bless and pardon her.. I miss you Tok Ma... thank you for loving me and praying for me all this while.. I thank Allah for blessing me with the ni'mat of such wonderful people in my life...

Many of you asked me, so, how's the PTD exam? I just didn't know how to explain it coz it's a looong story. But I found this website that explains on what I went through at the PAC (PTD Assessment Centre). I'm still waiting for the result, don't know if I "sukacita" or "dukacita" yet. But any of you who want to give it a shot, here's the general idea on what I went through in the 2nd assessment.

Taken from here

Sedikit sorotan sesi Assessment Center dalam tempoh 10 tahun terakhir ini;

• Sebelum 2008, penilaian 3 hari
• 2008 sehingga 2010, penilaian 1 hari
• Mac 2011, penilaian 2 hari ---- (Mine took 2 days, food and accommodation all paid for, my room was super nice with a view :P)
  

Tapi sayugia dimaklumi bahawa penilaian era awal Assessment Center lebih mencabar daripada era pasca 2000. Format ini sentiasa berubah untuk mengekalkan tahap ‘eksklusif’ dan sulit penilaian ini yang menjadi penunjuk aras ‘prestij’ jawatan Pegawai Tadbir dan Diplomatik. Bagi yang layak mendudukinya, ucapkan TAHNIAH kepada diri anda kerana inilah laluan kepada jawatan ‘keramat’ dalam jajaran ‘Perkhidmatan Awam’

Secara umumnya format baru kali ini lebih kepada kerjasama kumpulan. Seawal sesi lagi sudah dibahagikan kepada kumpulan dan semua aktiviti sepanjang 2 hari penilaian adalah dalam kumpulan. Secara umumnya penilaian dicerakinkan dalam beberapa juzuk aktiviti yang merangkumi;

• Perbincangan kumpulan (My group discussed on Gangsterism)
  
• Penyelesaian masalah berbentuk permainan (We were given IQ riddles that needed to be solved physically and systematically)
  
• Perancangan berdasarkan masalah/tugasan yang diberi (Our team took the role of landscape designers which we have to brainstorm a situation based on the client's preference)
  
• Aktiviti fizikal (2.4km run + aerobic dance)
  
• Pembentangan tugasan (Individual task - My topic was on Healthy Lifestyle)
  
• Kreativiti (We were given a few recyclable items and were asked to come up with an innovative, futuristic product. We need to make it, present it and prove that out 'futuristic junk' works, hehe)
  
• Mempertahankan idea (I forgot about this one, but there was a task on handling a big event in Putrajaya. We were supposed to come up with itinerary, program schedules, teams and activities within 15mins. The facilitator will critic on it and it's up to us to defend our ideas)
  

Ada beberapa aktiviti yang dipecahkan kepada dua sesi, satu dalam Bahasa Melayu dan satu lagi dalam Bahasa Inggeris (i.e perbincangan kumpulan). Jadi kemampuan berbahasa dinilai sepenuhnya dalam aktiviti sepanjang 2 hari ini. Pembentangan tugasan dilakukan sepenuhnya dalam Bahasa Inggeris

Satu tambahan tugasan yang buat pertama kalinya dilakukan dalam penilaian pasca tahun 2000 adalah sesi pembentangan tugasan di mana satu sesi khusus 3 jam diberikan untuk pembahagian tajuk dan kajian boleh dilakukan menggunakan internet talian sendiri atau di makmal komputer pusat penilaian. Ianya satu implimentasi gerak kerja terancang yang harus ada pada setiap pegawai PTD (rancang dengan teliti sebelum perlaksanaan)

Ramai yang takut pada aktiviti fizikal, dan anda sewajarkan gentar. Ianya adalah gabungan kerjasama kumpulan dan larian 2.4KM. Jika anda perasan ianya adalah adaptasi (bukan gabungan) penilaian fizikal format 1 hari (senamrobik, aerobik berirama, larian) dan 3 hari (larian 2.4KM), jadi boleh dikatakan ianya lebih komprehensif dan lebih memenatkan.

Perkara yang paling menarik perhatian ialah aktiviti perbincangan kumpulan yang menggunakan keratan sumber akhbar! Kita selalu diingatkan sedari awal sesi peperiksaan bertulis untuk banyak membaca akhbar.

So yeah, that is basically what I did on those 2 days. For me, it was challenging, fun, stressful and it was a meaningful experience.