Shima's Blog

In reply to my last post, the PTD exam result is out, and I passed. Yippee!! What a relief! Okay, the next in my waiting list is a letter that will tell me when and where I'll have my training for the PTD position. Oooh, this is sooo exciting.

Yeah, finally something for me. I'll do the best I can in life. I experienced my ups and downs and I get jealous of people alot. I always felt that I'm just not enough. This time, it's my turn. I hope that any step I take would be able to turn my life around into something better. I don't wanna be rich or be the boss of everybody.. No, it's not that..

When my life and financial status has stabilised, I want Mama to live her life. She's been living her life all for me.. Now it's my turn to give her what was supposed to be hers a long time ago. I want to 'berbakti' to Papa.. I want to provide for Uncle.. I want to take care of Mek, Tok Ma and my Mak angkat.. Let's see how my life takes it's course.

Semoga Allah sentiasa memberkati diriku, memperluaskan rezekiku, memelihara imanku dan menjaga orang-orang yang aku sayangi. Amin... Sesungguhnya Allah penentu segalanya..

I passed my driving test, with just one try! I'm soo good (bleach). Well, let's hope I can get a better job soon so that I can own a car of my own.

Got a call today from Otomotif College. Offered me a PA to CEO position. *Gulp* sounds tough. And I couldn't remember when I applied for this position. Maybe I did it when I was so desperate in finding a job, haha. Gotta google my job application again.

Well, the interview will be next week. Don't know if I could get it. The position sounded convincing enough for me to start a career. The PTD result will be out in 2 days. Hope I get it that one too. But if I got it, kesian Mama kena duduk rumah sorang2. Any choice I have to make would involve me living in KL. Agaknya rezeki kat KL kot. But I wanna support her. I wanna do all the things in the world for her. I wanna make Mama proud.

Ok, we'll see how everything turns out.

Today, I'm having a serious mood swing. Felt really sad today. Felt gloomy. Felt that I have nothing better to do. Feels like everything looks and feels so wrong.

I've developed a new hobby. Claying. It's great. It releases my stress, initiate creativity. Honestly, I didn't know I have it in me. All this is impossible without the support of Mama and Anas. These are the most important people in my life.

But today, I don't feel like claying. I wanted to create more cute figures, figurines, paper holder and stuff but I just don't feel like it. Instead, I felt like crying.. I think I miss my friends...

Recently, I feel so alone. While peeking into my friends' blog and facebook, suddenly I remember that back then, only they can make me feel so alive. I miss them so much.. I couldn't stop thinking about them.. each and every minute, they're always on my mind.

My friends: Sue Peng, Fiona and Sydney. They're so precious to me.. yet, I've lost them.. just like that. And it's all my fault.. There's nothing I could do to get them back.

Somehow, I know them by heart. What each of their interests are, how they would laugh at a joke, and what ticks them off. They're beautiful people. My life was so colourful when they're around.

During the third year, a lot of bad things happen to me that I couldn't handle. I had a lot of problems, I became out of control and I hurt them accidentally. I tried to apologize, but the only thing I did was make it worse. They were hurt and angry so they hurled comments on their blog and Facebook which only crushed my insides while they grew darker. It was all my fault...

The third year... Oh, how I wish I could repaint it. At that time, I had to move, the place where I stayed sucked so much until I hated going back right after class. My housemates are even worse with their attitude problem. Financial and health weren't on my side. Socially, I had no friends, I had only my besties back then but after the fight, I just feel like I don't deserve anyone. So I punished myself, walking alone everyday with repressed feeling.

Now, I still pray for the best things in life to come their way. I just hope that wherever they are, they're smiling and that no one could hurt them..the way I did.

The character reminds me of me. Well, Forrest has a way of understanding things based on what his mama tells him, ''My mama always tells me life was like a box of chocolates; you'll never know what you'll get''.

Somehow momentarily, I'm him, trying to find myself that is right now, embroiled in situations I couldn't comprehend. It's been a month since I've quit my job. It's not the quitting that pulls me down, it's the part that I'm jobless for a month that agitates me. Oh, I've tried.. Apart from them telling me I'm overqualified or that I'm to serve under a contract-based job (again), I've got nothing more to invest myself into.

No worries, I'm not all that miserable *shucks*. Within a month, I'm quite surprised at how busy I was. Well, I've finally learned how to drive, getting my license soon (tee hee hee). Managed to balik kampung and wandered off in KL afterwards since I've no job to attend to. I sat for an exam for a PTD position (Pegawai Tadbir Diplomatik), which was not easy but I got through it. I hope it turns out well, because I'm really counting on it. I'm trying to manage the house and my garden. I did some online business selling clothes and I get to spend time with my loved ones.

Recently, I joined this Electric Therapy that my mum has been nagging for me to go for weeks. She's always bragging about how it works for her and that the facilitator is super funny and that the service is free, just need to go for 1/2 hour a day. So I went. It was urmm.. okay, I guess (having myself shocked for how many volts of electric). But I have to admit, I'm quite amazed. Some of the uncles & aunties that used to move around in wheelchairs due to stroke, are now walking slowly after 2 months or so going for therapy. Well, I'm going because it's free, so why not, right?

In short, I'm having mixed emotions. I'm not used to not working and do whatever I wanna do. Maybe I should let loose and see how things work out for me. As Forrest used to say, ''Stupid is as stupid does, ma'am''.

After 4 months of laboring myself at work, suddenly I thought ''It's been a long time since I've written something..'' - DUH. But seriously, I don't put as much status on Facebook, nothing excites me anymore, I don't read magz, newspapers, books, novels, not even brochures! Haih, I'm starting to think that I'm a boring person - no life, zip..zero!

So here I am, typing away my thoughts.

I NEED A NEW FRESH BREATH OF AIR

Some people would ask me, ''hey, you're going on a holiday?''. I'll just toss them a ''yeah'' and act as if I didn't just lie. The real story is, I'm quitting my current job. So I need a new one. Quitting is a problem and getting a new one is another.

A contract based job, where I have to work at 5am, for 12 hours a day, listening to some Australians whine about their problems, and getting pressured from my bosses, 3 weeks in advance to apply for a leave, being questioned for doing 1 hour OT even though the tasks were given by them, bla bla bla, sound like a messed up career. You might be thinking ''Alahh, normal la tuu''. Yeah, the job is normal but I'm starting to think that I'm not normal anymore.

Oh yeah, my team leader is a real pain in the ***. She's a good trainer but with a horrible attitude as well. How horrible? She'd be calling people every two seconds to tell them her thoughts, opinions or whenever she feels like screaming at someone. She would choose one of our colleague to badmouth about each other or how much she thinks that someone is stupid. Then she'll find another someone to criticize about that person who listened to her earlier. Finally, she'll make an intelligent assumption that everybody in the office are backstabbers. She'll have her own drama and make it sound as if she's the most pitiful one there. She'll then lament about people on Facebook, using uneducated words and criticizing people's religion and attitude (the irony). Seriously, I don't have problems with her, but I do pity her.. (Kurang kasih sayang kot.. Kesian..) Heh.

And so I'm quitting. I feel that I'm not healthy physically and emotionally there. By the end of the day I'm already tired, and after sleeping out of tiredness, I'll feel like puking before going off to work the next day. Ugh... For me, if I have to face this everyday for 12 hours, I'd better be paid fair enough.

IN A NUTSHELL

So yeah, I need a new fresh breath of air aka a new job, with no contract based, a permanent job, waking up early morning at 7am or 8am LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO and get to spend time with my family and friends at the end of the day. Simple life laaa...

So, which broken heart are you?

[Taken from Astrology.com]

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***A broken heart that yearns for a lost love can seem irreparable -- not just at the time, but for months afterwards. Some people never seem to get over the rejection or the loss. Yet others have that rubber ball quality that bounces them back to try, try again. Can you cultivate that never-say-never-again spirit? Some signs find it more difficult than others -- but healing is always possible.

The signs who experience feelings of abandonment the most are the possessive signs: Taurus, Cancer and Scorpio. Their grief is often mixed up with anger at being -- as they see it -- betrayed. So they need to mourn what is gone and then try to disentangle their intensely muddled feelings. Anger can morph into hatred and that is just as binding an emotion as love. These signs need to be careful about not getting themselves stuck in what truly belongs to the past.

Taurus dislikes their security being shaken, and although they appear placid, they can harbor dark thoughts that take a long time to eradicate. They need to jolt themselves onto a new forward track. Cancer hurts most of all since losing the beloved other feels as if part of their self has gone. They need to toughen up and move on.

Scorpio loves intensely -- and hates every bit as intensely. Their not-letting-go often involves vengeful thoughts. Of all the signs, mature Scorpio understands that life is a series of deep transformations that are a painful process of deconstructing the past and reconstructing a different future. Once they grasp that, it all becomes if not easier, then at least endurable.

The other two fixed signs –- Aquarius and Leo –- can hang around waiting for life to return to normal, since they expect the world to adapt to them rather than the other way round. But patience won’t bring back what’s gone, so they need to make the effort to adapt to the changed circumstance of being single and make the most of it. Leo will be nursing a bruised ego and dented pride, so will be fearful of a repeat experience. They need to be brave.

Capricorn and Virgo will sigh as if being rejected was what they expected and bury themselves in constant doing, over work and ambition just to console themselves that they can at least make a success of that. In doing so, they risk shutting down their earthy magnetism. They should go in for a major pampering regime of massages, spas, beauty treatments. If they keep their animal body happy a new mate will appear as if by magic.

Libra really is not happy without another half. They’ll be hurt but it will be mixed in with embarrassment at being humiliated in the eyes of their social circle. They are, however, masters at turning on the social charm even when wounded, so won’t be left on their own for long.

Pisces will just space out. If real life isn’t going to give them what they need, they’ll substitute their dream world where it’s always happily-ever-after. But they aren’t natural loners, so along the way someone will take pity on them and swoosh them off into another romance. They are good at being in the right place at the right time, so new romance will happen with very little effort.

Aries, Sagittarius and Gemini are the devil-may-care signs who hide their aching heart better than most and decide to make themselves feel better with a new romantic adventure. Aries definitely has that bouncing ball quality and can simply go for what they want, so they won’t be wallflowers for long. Gemini always has options up its sleeve, so if one goes down, they’ll have several other ports-of-call in mind. Sagittarius will decide to go off travelling and will likely find a new sizzling romance in the next harbor.

"The Eight of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in space. I am true to myself and will only regret the chances I don't take to seek or follow my hearts desire. I turn away from or make a clean sweep of that which does not honor or sustain my passion and love, and in this, I am not afraid to be alone. I am empowered to move forward or make space and my gift is letting go."

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If you need it
Something I can give
I know I'd help you if I can
If your honest and you say that you did
You know that I would give you my hand
Or a sad song
In a lonely place
I'll try to put a word in for you
Need a shoulder? well if that's the case
You know there's nothing I wouldn't do ...

... Don’t throw it all away
You’re throwing it all away at the end of the day